Learning To Love The Judas In Me PT 3

We often talk about how Judas betrayed Jesus, but we don’t talk enough about how Jesus still loved Judas — even knowing what he would do. And if we’re honest, many of us don’t want to admit that we have a little Judas in us too.

There are moments we’ve betrayed Jesus in our own way — not because we wanted to, but because He didn’t meet our expectations… or because He allowed us to fail… or because His plan didn’t look like what we prayed for. And disappointment can make us turn away from the very God who has never turned away from us.

In this episode, we dive deep into a conversation that connects the dots between Jesus’ covenant over our lives and the very real moments where we’ve betrayed Him, doubted Him, or walked away from Him.

This conversation gets real — and it gets deep.
 So the question is… are you ready to start the conversation?

Episode Chapters:
00:00 Starting the Conversation with God
00:25 Confronting the Enemy and Embracing Truth

Apps Mentions In Podcast - 

Bible Project - Visual Stories 

Bible Chat - ChatGPT for Bibles 

Tony Evans Commentary 

The Bait Of Satan - The Book

Thank you for joining the conversation.

To continue to conversation follow @LovasiaReneee_

Transcript

ACWGNS Podcast (00:18.915)

Welcome back to another episode of a conversation with God and self. I'm your host, Lovasia Renee. I am so excited for you guys to be here. As you see, we're in a little bit of a new setting. I'm still in my living room, but I decided to sit on my couch because guys, I was doing my little Bible study and I was like, you know what? I have a word on my heart. So please again, don't pay attention to the appearance, pay attention to the message. I even got my little dog here. He's here to chillax, but I just felt it on my heart to speak.

And I'm trying to learn to be more obedient in my speaking if that makes sense. And yeah, I kind of knew this was gonna happen when I was at work, so straight from work.

literally, whole sweat suit and everything but I just felt the need to speak. So today's topic is I don't know. I'll be very honest with you, I don't know. I know that the Lord just recently gave me a word and if he wants me to share it, I will. If he does not, whatever direction that he chooses to go, we're just gonna go. But this is really an episode of what it looks like to have an honest conversation with God and to just start the conversation. So that's what we're gonna do.

This topic is just starting the conversation. So don't look away, don't go anywhere, because you know what we are about to do. We are about to start the conversation.

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All right, so.

So let me tell you something, let me tell you something, let me tell you something. So I've pre-, I already recorded an episode, and I'm not gonna tell you what it is because don't know if I'm gonna continue it. But for some reason while I was at work, today I just felt so heavy in my heart. Like, I felt so grieved and...

I the reason why I felt so grieved is because I've been battling with something that's been on my heart that the Lord has placed on my heart. So before I even get started, you know I have to invite the big Kahuna, the one and only, our father, my father, Yeshua, Hosanna, all of the above. I want to invite him into this podcast just so we can get right into it. So Father God, I thank you so much for just being a blessing to us. Father God, I thank you for your

covenant. I thank you for your sacrifice upon our lives. For those for anyone that is hearing this father god I just I pray that this episode just bless them in any way that you see fit. Father god I pray that you got my words in a direction that you choose. I hand over this episode to you father god and you could do with it as you will. But father god I pray that you just fill my heart. I pray that you hear my heart.

And I pray that you intercede with me, Father God, to be able to speak the right words that need to be said to those that need to hear it, Father God. I bless those that are listening. In your name we pray, amen. So you know what that means, right? Let's start the conversation. So today I've just been feeling really grieved and not in like a bad way, but just like I've been having something very heavy on my heart.

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And as you know, I'm sitting on the couch, I have my Bible open, I got my um...

my Tony Evans commentary and I have my journal. So when I pray, I usually journal. That's just a way for me to get a lot of my thoughts out. It also helps me process a lot too when I journal. And it also allows me to slow down the pace because when I'm speaking, I notice that I'm an intellect. I've said that a couple of times. I intellect a lot of the things that I know.

Sometimes I'll over intellectualize, sometimes I'll under intellectualize. It kind of just depends on the situation at hand. But when I go to journal, it just slows me down in thinking. Because again, my my hand, sorry, something was in my eye.

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glasses when I'm like I have a super hidden super hidden body. But yeah I feel like when I over intellectualize sometimes I lean on my own understanding and I feel like right now I'm in a season of not having to lean on my own understanding and that my understanding is not as strong with as as it is when I lean on the Lord for my understanding. I feel like he is

I can't say forcing because the Lord does not force but I feel like He is creating a way in me to be more and more dependent on Him rather than my own logical thinking because I am an intellect. So today I just felt very grieved and it's because I've been battling with this question that He gave to me is can I love how Jesus loved Judas?

And I was sitting here, I'm not gonna lie, was literally sitting here and all day I'd just been grieved. Like I literally went to walk my dog and I just started tearing up. And I'm like, and you know what it comes back to? So I'm a part of a group. And the question of I think last week was, what does Jesus covenant feels like? And I can actually, I think I literally wrote it down. So let me see. I definitely wrote it down. Let me see.

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Did I write it down? Was it here or was it on the- because you know I love to write. ain't gonna lie. I could write all day and if you were able to look at my journal you would definitely see just writing. That is something.

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Anyway, so that was a question. What does Jesus covenant mean? And I think for the first time, I was able to sit down and pause and literally think about the sacrifice that the Lord has done for me.

And if you're new here, a couple of episodes back, I spoke on how I also have a group called the Safe Space. And it's a community where we meet up bi-weekly and we just speak on through like things that were going on in our lives. And we speak like, you know, we go over biblical scriptures. So it's like a Bible study slash connecting it to our reality. It's like a real conversation with God himself. But you have a community of people judgment free, really awesome. If that's something you're interested in, it is free.

and you can literally just click the link down below in the description box. But all I have to say, while we was in the groove, I asked everyone like, hey, like, do you feel God's salvation? And a lot of the girls was like, no.

And it dawned on me and I love the way the Lord works because the Lord works in a way that a question will come out and you might not get the answer right then and there but through time you will get the answer and as you're piecing the answer together you're also connecting the dots. So when that question was asked I came to the conclusion in real time like that's the enemy placed in lies in your head as to why you don't feel the Lord's covenant and it's because there's something in you that prevents you from

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Accepting it and I'm gonna I'm gonna go back all the way to the question at hand But that's where it stemmed from it stemmed from that question on do you feel the Lord salvation? So the exercise we had to do is we had to write down our lies that we felt about ourselves So if you felt unworthy you felt like you wasn't deserving whatever it was and then you had to find a scripture that Conquered that lie. So we know we have it. We are acknowledging the word right? The word is the truth. The word is God's word

and John says in the beginning there was a word then the word was with God then the word was God right so that was our challenge so a lot of us we had to you know do our Bible study be like okay if I feel unworthy what in the Bible tells me that I am worthy right so when we did that I think like a couple of couple of weeks later the group that I am in that was the question and when I sat there I remember just writing down

God's covenant means a second chance. God's covenant means dying without fear, without the fear of death, dying. So when I was making that, when that thought hit me, sorry, I'm trying not to cry. When it hit me was the first time that I think I've acknowledged and or felt the Lord's salvation.

Because oftentimes when it comes to just hearing the word salvation, it's like, okay, he died for our sins, but like, what did that take for him to die for our sins? And then when you look at yourself, you get to notice that in all your gulk and all your failures and all of your, your mistakes and your falling and trying to get back up, the Lord died for that version of you. He didn't die for the version that you are working on becoming. He didn't die for the perfect version that you think you are.

He died for the worst version of yourself. And it came to me that he died for the worst version of myself. And you know another thing that came to me, so I would say episode back, I talked about my abortions, and I felt so much shame in my freedom. Because the Lord dying for me allowed me the freedom to no longer be shamed or condemned.

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by what I've done. But what we don't understand is the fact that when that is a part of our identity, when we are so used to living behind the facade of a lie, we start to idolize the version and or vision of how people look at us when we're not naked. Let me make sense. When you wear a mask in any form, right?

Or when you're a person that kind of holds a lot of things to themselves due to the fact of fear of judgment, fear of shame, of people really knowing the real you and your real struggles. In any form, if someone was to know the real you, the things that really happened to you behind the scenes, behind the mask, you're trying to play like everything is cool, you don't know that the Lord already set you free from the guilt of the sin that you already done.

But because of the facade that you have portrayed has been your identity, you won't really know how to function out of that. So you will be ashamed in freedom. Like a lot of you are already free from the sin that you have committed, but you still sit in shame because you haven't accepted the Lord's freedom. Meaning you have accepted his salvation, that he already died for the very sin that you still are ashamed of.

And I say that because for me, for me in general, right? When the Lord told me to do that, to share that part of myself, it was very uncomfortable one. And I still was living mentally in the shame of what happened. I still wasn't even comfortable.

in totality to speak about that situation because I was okay with the thought of what people thought about me. I wasn't okay with the truth of me being revealed, right? And that made me step back because what I noticed is I was okay with following the Lord as long as I was comfortable. Seriously. I was okay

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were following Jesus as long as he allowed me to stay in my comfort. But once it got inconvenient, and he said, LaBeija, I want people to know you how I love you, because I love you in your truth. And I want people to know you how I love you. Not how they think I love you, but how I truly love you. I love you in all of sin that you have done. I want people to know you how I love you.

And when it came to me having to be uncomfortable to showcase that.

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for the first time I notice.

Was I real follower of the Lord or was I a fan and convenience? Because to be a fan of the Lord is to do all the things that feel good. You know what I mean? Is to do the things that genuinely feel good to you when you're getting the blessings and the image is looking good and everything. But when the Lord requires your discomfort, that's not fun. That actually hurts.

and it's so uncomfortable. And it's easy to go like, you know, Lord, I trust you. But when it comes down to trusting him, a lot of us walk away because of how uncomfortable it is to trust in him. And that was me. But it revealed to me something deep in my heart.

Because I knew my intentions walking into this, how I wanted to show up and how I wanted to be behind the scenes, not just in front of a camera.

And that was a hard pill for me to swallow because like I said, I retracted. after I did that episode, I thought that after me doing that episode, I was going to be free. Like, you know, the enemy couldn't hold me back no more from my past of those experiences. Like, you know, he couldn't condemn me no more. He couldn't make me feel bad. But what I didn't understand was the enemy, the enemy's attack was about to get stronger.

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the enemy attack was only starting when I started to be okay with my truth. Because once I said that truth, now everything came after it was a mistake. I even press record? Should I even share that part? Did I do too much? Like everything was becoming double-minded. And then again, what we also need to understand is

The Lord has to be enough for us to not default back to what we normally would do because I defaulted. And I'm not ashamed to say that, but I defaulted back to me over intellectualizing, trying to depend on my own understanding, trying to depend on my own way of thinking that I retracted myself from the Lord. I retracted myself because I was like, whoa, this is like too much. This is too much for me to handle.

And is Lord like, and I'm second guessing, like, the Lord even say that? Like, or was that just me? Did I wanted to do that? But I'm like, here you are condemning yourself for allowing yourself to feel the freedom that was already brought for you. was already brought. The sins are no more, you are no longer a slave to sin, you was already freed. So now that you're feeling the freedom and trying to live in your truth, why are you trying to retract from it? Because

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understanding that the Lord is enough for me to not only live in my truth but for me to be a warrior within him, meaning to fight against the enemy and to know the fight, the type of fight I'm fighting because a lot of us we look at the enemy as people that don't like us, people that don't follow us back, people that don't like our pose, people that be low-key hated and those people are the enemy in disguise because that's not the fight.

They're not the true enemy. The enemy is the one that you can't see, the one who acts like he's invisible, the one who has literally fooled the world to thinking that he does not exist. That's the true enemy, but he comes in different disguises. And you know what is crazy?

it's bringing me because I literally just had it is bringing me to Luke I just want to because this is something I truly discovered and I love how the Holy Spirit is working right now so as I was doing my Bible study right I came across the end of when Jesus does the the end of Jesus life when he's about to die so

For some reason, I read it in Matthews and Matthews is kind of like, you know, straight to the point but in Luke is a little bit more detailed. So I came to Luke, Luke 2337.

And in Luke 33, 27, this is when he's getting crucified between two criminals, right? So in this chapter, I'm gonna actually read 37. So this is Luke 23, 37, and it says, I'm gonna start at 35. The people stood watching and even the leaders were scoffing. He saved others, let him save himself. If this is God Messiah, the chosen one, the soldiers also mocked him.

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They came offering him Sarawan and said, if you are the king of the Jews, save yourself. And his scripture was above him. This is the king of the Jews. So right here, right here, right here and there, they're mocking the Lord. They're making fun of him, right? They're tempting him to prove who he is. But at this time, the Lord is quiet, right? Because I even went to Isaiah and in Isaiah 53, it speaks on.

and being quiet. It literally says...

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53 verse 7 he said, was oppressed and afflicted yet he did not open his mouth. Right? So here they are like mocking him, mocking him, mocking him. And there's a prophecy in Isaiah, this is even before Jesus was even like a person. This is him prophesying on Jesus and like what will be happening during his crucifixion, right?

But then the Lord literally the Holy Spirit placed on my heart. said this is this this sounds this sounds familiar. The whole mocking him, the whole testing him, the whole temptation for him to prove who he is. This sounds also familiar. Do you know where it brought me to? It brought me to Matthews, right? So it brought me to Matthews when Jesus was being tempted in the garden because I'm reading this and I'm like, this sounds similar. Like this don't sound like this the first time that this like someone's tempting the

Lord to prove who he is, right? So when you go back to Matthew's chapter, Matthew 4, you'll see how the devil was trying to tempt Jesus to prove, literally.

Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil after he had fasted for 40 days and 40 nights he was hungry. Then the tempter approached him and said, if you are the son of God, tell these stones to become bread. So just like how they're saying, well, if you are the son of God, if you are the Messiah, save yourself, save yourself, save yourself. You can do it. You are who you say you are. And he's quiet. But in this one where he's being tempted by the enemy, he is speaking and he's saying,

it is written men must not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of God." And then you see the battle between him and the enemy and what it just dawned on me is it just goes to say like at the end of the day the enemy is the same. He just has he just has a different form.

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The enemy came in Luke, he came as the soldiers, he came as the people, right? But his agenda was the same. Like his agenda was the same, to mock Jesus, to prove yourself. And you say what you are, but the Lord is sticking on what, but even in this, Jesus is still sticking on what is written. Cause what is written in Isaiah is he has, he will be silent as he's being crucified. He was silent.

And in his temptation with the devil, they was going word for word. But what was the devil trying to do? He's mocking him. Prove yourself to me. Prove who you say you are. So it's like, it just dawned on me how the enemy comes in different forms. Where we sit and we act like he doesn't exist, or we are distracted by what we think is the enemy, what is not.

And then it me back to the Lord's covenant and his salvation because at end of the day, how many times have the enemy been disturbing your mind or been attacking you in ways and you try to do it yourself instead of running to the feet at the Lord, running to the feet of the person who can.

who can fight against him? The person who has overcome him. The person who is stronger than him. The person who will and has defeated him multiple, multiple times. And that it really dawned on me. Like it just dawned on me for some, like Jesus died for you not to be a slave to sin. Jesus died so you have more authority over the enemy. You have dominion.

And then it came to me, right? Like this question came to me because at the end of, towards Matthew's, where he is, you know, at this point, and honestly, I'm going through, I'm going over this with my church. So that's kind of where the whole question of what does Jesus' covenant mean to you? Because at first I'm like, it's a second chance. Like it's a second chance that, okay, I did what I did. Those are the sins that I made, but the Lord dying for me allows me a second chance.

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But then what came to me was dying to yourself. The Lord already conquered death, hell, and the grave. You dying to yourself is dying to the flesh that controlled you before and maturing in your spirituality because the Lord died for who you are right now in your sin, in your unforgiveness, in your bitterness, in your anger, in your fornication, in your addiction to pornography, in the abortions, all of the gunk.

all of the negativity, he died for that version of you. And he knew that version of you. He knows that version of you. Before you even gave him your yes, he said yes to you before you gave him your yes. So when the question of like, hey, like, can you love Judas like Jesus? I swore, I swore in my mind.

that I'm thinking like like the Lord wants me to love people how he loved Judas right like I'm not even connected to myself like I'm thinking like okay there's somebody that's gonna betray me like Judas and I gotta love them and I gotta do a gaphe love and I gotta but the Lord works in a way I didn't expect and what he revealed to me

was I have to love myself like he loved Judas because I have a Judas in me. We all have a Judas in us. And the only thing that Judas didn't do was he did not repent to accept his forgiveness because the Lord already forgave him, because the Lord knew that he was gonna betray him.

Isaiah speaks about how the sheep will fall away and then the Lord goes to Peter and goes you are going to deny me and Peter is so radical in his belief he was blinded that he will fall too he was blinded that he too will fall

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All of them fell, not just Judas. Judas just did the ultimate thing because he betrayed Jesus but they all fell away from him. They all betrayed him in some way and what stuck out to me is when he goes and he says to, this is Luke chapter 22 and I ain't gonna lie, I literally love Luke.

He goes to, this is chapter 22 in Luke, verse 31. He goes, Simon, Simon, out. Satan has asked to shift you like wheat, but I have prayed.

for you that your faith may not fail. Judah's faith failed because his expectation of the Lord did not succeed what he wanted. So he went and betrayed him. And how many times have the Lord did not succeed our expectations that we turn our backs away from him?

We sin against him. I know I have. We rebel against him. And Isaiah speaks on he died for our rebellious, our, our, our, our, ways that we have rebelled against him through lying, stealing, cheating, all the things. Are you okay?

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And it's like.

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And the thing about it, the beauty of it is, right? The beauty of it is, he says, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail and you, and you, and you. When you have turned back, strengthening your brothers, meaning I know you're gonna fall. When you return back to me, because you have fell and because you know what it's like to fall, I need you to strengthen those around you. Meaning I don't want you to hold yourself in condemnation because you fell.

instead I want you to turn back repent and and you know what's crazy I sat on I'm like repent repent repent okay we know we're supposed to repent because we're supposed to be sorry for what we did but like what is true repentance? Repentance is that gut punch. It's the gut punch. It's the gut punch of you feeling the emotions of the betrayal towards the Lord.

and you are making it your duty not to repeat it again because he has already forgiven you but for you to accept his forgiveness is for you to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry Lord. I'm sorry for what I have done to you. That's what the disciples did except for Judas.

Judas' sorrow was too much that he couldn't even say, I'm sorry Lord. So he kills himself out of his own guilt. And a lot of us have been killing ourselves out of our guilt. Instead of turning to the Lord and going, I am sorry I've disappointed you. I'm sorry I've fallen short. And you want to know what? He already knew that she was going to fall short. He already knew that she was going to fall short. But he cannot force you to repent. That is a choice you have to make. He knows you will fall short of his glory.

the Bible it speaks on no man is righteous, no man is perfect except for the one which is Jesus. Nobody's perfect and I don't think he expects you to be perfect because if he expects you to be perfect why would he allow the things that has that plays out in your life and Isaiah

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He prophesied Jesus and Jesus kept referring to how it was written, meaning things was already planned out for how this was supposed to go. I was already going to get crucified because it was written. I already knew my purpose of what I was here for because it was written. I already knew the things that was going to happen because it was written. Your life has been written. So he already knew you was going to bump your head, you was going to fall, you was going to mess up. He already knew these things because it was written.

But what he cannot do is he cannot force you to repent and to accept his forgiveness. He can't. It's a choice. And that's where true love comes from. Because he allows you the choice.

So when I sat here and I was like, snap, Judas doesn't really much moat to me in the season I'm in and where I'm at right now. It doesn't really have to do with someone else. It has to do with the Judas and myself. And if I can turn and repent and forgive, no, no, no. If I could turn and repent and seek the Lord's forgiveness on the betrayal I have bestowed upon him, then instead of me killing myself with guilt, I can accept his salvation. I can understand how my rebellion,

rebelliousness have took an innocent soul. How him paying for his blood, with his blood and his life for my rebellion, cost him his life. And for me to be so selfish to not accept the sacrifice that he has given on my behalf, not in my perfectionism.

not in my growth, not in anything but in my sin. In Psalms it speaks about how the Lord knows you from the moment you was formed in your mom's womb, how he knows the words before he even leaves your mouth. He knows these things. He's a God of all knowing God. He knows all things. So how will we not think that he doesn't know that we're gonna fall but it's up to us if we were turned back to our father? It literally says and when you turn back

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He knew they was going to turn back. He knew he was going to turn back. You're going to fall. You're going to mess up. You are going to deny me three times before a rooster crows. I know you are going to fail me. But when you turn back, I'm still going to use you because I need you to strengthen your brothers. I need you to strengthen those around you. And you know why I think the Lord

this came to me too. I'm like, I'm like, Lord, okay. So if you know we're gonna fold, why do you let us fold? And it's because

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If you never fail, how do you know what you need?

It's like you walking down the street.

sidewalks a little unleveled. You think nothing of it. You don't think you have no expectation you're going to fall. Like it doesn't even cross your mind. You think you're just going to step over it. But instead of you stepping over you actually fall. In the midst of you falling you cut your knee. Now you need a bandage. Right?

And sometimes that fall is more than cutting your knee. It's about being, it helps you put other things like, maybe I should be more aware of my surroundings. Maybe next time I should be more careful. Maybe next time if I see that, instead of me trying to step over it, I will go around it. It opens up your senses to go, the way that I thought wasn't the right way. How I went about that wasn't the right way.

What I thought wasn't what I thought. And it lets you open up and understand.

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I can't do this alone. Because what if you had the Lord's guidance? Like, I just hope I'm connected and I'm making sense. Because I remember talking to one of my coworkers and she spoke about how, yeah, this definitely connects. She talked about how, because I'm like, why would you, like, why would the Lord would you allow someone to fail? And it's because when you're in a certain state of mind,

Depending on how good you are and where you are, you're not dependent on the Lord. Because you think that you are the end of all. And she was like, oh, I feel like when it comes to Christianity and Jew almost religions, they get people when they're in their most vulnerable state, they pray on them.

And I go, I won't really say pray on them. And I said, when you get into a state where you, when it's no longer out of your control, when you get into a state where it's above you, when you get into a state where you have no resources to turn to and all you could turn to is the Lord. The reason why the Lord feels more appealing to you is because you want to notice that you needed him when you're happy and you're jolly and all things are working for you. You only notice him when you are in your sorrow. You notice him when you are not your best self. You notice him when you

are in need and you cannot use humanly resources or even your own human understanding to get to the conclusion that you are yarning for. Thank you, Holy Spirit. So the reason why the Lord lets you fail, the reason why he'll let you trip, the reason why he'll let you do this and do that and do that because in all of that you will know that you need your Lord and Savior because without him you will be stuck into a world of

sin, condemnation, guilt, suicide ideation, you will be lost into a world of suffering alone, suffering alone, and just suffering alone. I feel bad for those people that do not know the Lord because they are suffering alone with no hope, nowhere to turn to. I feel bad for those that refuse to know the Lord, that reject him.

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I feel bad for atheists. I feel bad. Because they refuse to know the truth. They refuse to see the light.

Jesus said, am the truth, the way and the light. They refuse to see the light so they sit in darkness. And I used to sit and be like, Lord, why would you let me do this? But it's like, had I not done those things, had I not sinned, had I not had abort, like the abortions, I would not have known how much I truly need the Lord. I would not have not known how lost I really was. I would not have known.

I would have not have known at all. So in this, he literally says, and when you turn back, strengthen your brothers. And when you come back to me, and when you come back, I felt like all God's children eventually comes back. But it depends on you accepting the Judas in you. You accept the fact that there's gonna be a time you're gonna betray the Lord. I remember, I remember a lot of y'all. I'm gonna tell you a story, a true story.

I got baptized August 21st of 2025. That's when I got baptized. August 21st this year. And I thought, okay, I'm baptized, I'm saved, I'm good. No, I'm basically I got the armor of God, right? Like no sense about to touch me. I'm aware, eyes open, I'm just coo-ceiling. Literally three days later, I said, with my mouth.

Because in the Bible it speaks about sinning with your mouth, like sinning the way you talk, your attitude, all the things. I said, I heard somebody clean out. Seriously, I operated in anger. It says you can be angry, but do not sin, I sinned. And the thing about it is,

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is

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Just because we're close to God doesn't mean that we won't fall short. Judas was close to God. He was in his presence. But his heart was so far from him. Peter said it, I would die with you. I would not deny you. I would die with you.

And as radical as he was, as for the Lord that he was, he still fell away from him. And I say this to say, what I feel and what I've seen is a lot of us, when we look at the story of how Judas portrayed Jesus, we usually just condemn Judas. Oh, and there's Judas's in your friends and there's Judas's in your family and there's Judas's, but no one speaks about the Judas in you.

There's a Judas in you. There's a time where you're going to also drop the ball. But the difference between you and Judas is you can repent and accept the Lord's forgiveness.

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and don't be a repeat offender because you're accepting the Lord's salvation. You're accepting the fact that He died for you. He died. He died. He died. He died in all your guilt, all your sin, the sin you're going to commit tomorrow, the sin you're committing right now. He died in exactly where you are and who you are right now. He didn't die for who you want to be.

He didn't die who you try to sell to be, who you betrayed to be, who you lied to be. No, he died for exactly who you are. And I had to realize that when he said, I want people to know you how I love you, which is the real you, that you're true. I love you and your truth, and I need people to know you and your truth.

So when it came time for me to have to speak my truth, it was hard because even in my freedom, I still felt shame, meaning I didn't accept and or feel his salvation, meaning I didn't really acknowledge or notice his sacrifice for me because for me to still be in sin while I'm free from it, no, yeah, for me to still be in, yeah.

For me to that's not even being sin. It's for me to practice sin while I'm freeing it. For me to still feel shame from my sin while I'm free from sin. It's crazy to me.

But that just lets me know that I need to practice more, not only understanding the Lord's salvation, but to feel it and to accept it and to know that this death is not something to take lightly. It's not something to just, okay. It's something to sit and ponder on and really think deep and really to acknowledge that he died for me so I could be forgiven. So I am no longer a slave to my flesh.

ACWGNS Podcast (39:55.714)
So I have choice. So when I die, don't just, death is not the last of it. I go off into be with my eternal father. He died for that. And my sin and my anger, which I'm currently working on, he died. And what I'm learning and what I love, and I want to close with this, is I feel like the word, I remember getting closer the more that I,

The more that I would, you know, read my Bible and things that I need to, I saw myself getting closer to the Lord and I remember mentioning this before, like I would get closer to the Lord but then I would see myself more clearly. The more that I get closer to him, he reveals things to me. I'm like, ooh.

And I thought it was like, and I ain't gonna lie, I liked it, but I didn't like it because I liked the fact that he was revealing to me the things I needed to work on, but I didn't like it because I didn't think I had the spiritual maturity to actually work on the very things he was revealing to me.

Cause you have to have strength to work on the things that the Lord reveals to you. You have to have strength. You have to have obedience. You have to have discipline. You have to have self-control to be able to, for him to point out, Laveja, that's not okay. That's not good. Sarah, that's not okay. You was actually wrong in that situation. You should have turned the other cheek in that situation. You shouldn't have said that. For him to be revealing those things to me in real time was really hard for me because there's going to be times where you have to say out loud, I was wrong.

I shouldn't have that. I shouldn't have said that. The Lord is not pleased with that. And that comes from a different type of discipline. That comes from a different type of like obedience and strength when you have to G-check yourself 95 % of the day. Because in the Bible it speaks on how can you look at someone else's eye and it has a log in it. Cause they got a splinter, but you got a log in your own eye. First deal with you, then you can talk about somebody else. So I think for me,

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living in your truth that's just that's hard you know that's hard because there's truth about you that you hide there's truth about you that you lie to yourself about there's truth about you that you don't even want it to be the truth but it's the truth there's truth that you still deny but what i'm learning

is when it comes to loving Judas, is loving, learning to forgive myself for the things that I have done, the betrayal that I have did.

and learning to repent against the things that I've did so I can feel the Lord's forgiveness and I can learn to love me. And it goes into that forgiveness series because I remember when I said that I was still having a hard time forgiving myself. And I think that's the biggest thing that we tackle.

is forgiving ourselves. Because more often times we're always talking about forgiving other people and making sure that other people are forgiven so they don't have power over us. But what about the unforgiveness on ourselves that we lack power over ourselves because we low-key hate ourselves for the things that we've done. We have a smidge of self-hate for ourselves based on the things that we have done which holds us back.

which also takes away our power but gives it to our negative self. So when we're not forgiving ourselves, we too lack our own self control and our own self discipline and our own power because the power that we're not giving to the self that we can be, potential, we're taking this power and we're dropping it off into the negative self and we're allowing a negative self to win a lot of battles when it comes to our dreams and our visions and the things we need to get done. are allowing our

ACWGNS Podcast (43:44.154)
negative self that is in procrastination, is in self doubt, that is in negative speaking, that is in laziness. We allow that negative self to overpower us because there are parts of us that we haven't forgiven. Thank you, Holy Spirit.

And the more that we lack self-forgiveness within ourselves and to feel the Lord's salvation and to feel his forgiveness and his love, the enemy which plays on that negative side, that enemy who plays and literally who loves that side of you, who loves that negative side, because as long as you have self-doubt and you have low self-worth and you talk negative on you, all of that, he lives for that because he just needs a little bit and he can control you. He can make you do anything you don't want to do because you already

yourself so doing things that showcases hate to someone else that's love right self-love right fornication i can have as much relations with everybody because i love myself and i'm a woman and i'm feminine all the things when that's really a form of self-hate

It's a form of self hate. And when you speak certain things in yourself, you're just allowing the curses of the enemy to win upon you. And what I'm here to say is the moment that you learn to forgive yourself and to forgive the sins that you have committed and the moment that you repent for those sins and you show the Lord, I acknowledge what I have done, Father. And I'm sorry for me, for me disappointing you and betraying you in any way, Father God, but release me from this self hate that I feel, Father God, and allow me to feel your forgiveness, Father God, and to fill me up.

with your love even if I don't have love for myself right now, Father God. You are telling the enemy you can go kick rocks because your power is diminishing over here. And I'm learning that in real time. I'm learning that the reason why people are so easy to be a slave to the enemy is because he uses your own self hate towards you.

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uses your own self-hate and how do you get self-hate? Through disappointment, through falling, through your own self-patril because there are things that you haven't done that you don't agree with. Like morally you don't agree with but you did it and you did it out of a moment or you did it out of pressure or you did it out by force. You know what I mean? You did it out of obligation but you didn't really agree with what you did. I didn't agree to what I did. I didn't agree to have abortions. I didn't agree to it. I genuinely morally didn't agree to it which is why it eats me up now.

years later because morally I didn't agree to the things that I've done but I did it under pressure I did it out of obligation I did it because I thought that's something I needed to do I had the right to do but now that I sit here I'm like no

And a lot of yourself, how you come from decisions that you really didn't agree with, but you felt the need to do. And instead of you allowing yourself or forgiving yourself and providing yourself grace and repenting against what you did, which is basically acknowledgement and a big sorry and a gut punch to be like, I'm not doing that again.

But again, what I also think is we can always say we're not doing this, we're not doing that. But the thing about it is that you can say it, but in order for you not to really do something, you also have to change your way of thinking and the way you move and how you are.

And that's how you can connect a word to an action. Because you can say anything out your mouth. This won't happen to me ever again, but if you don't change who you are and your demeanor and how you think about things, you go about things, you're always going to repeat the cycle. You're always going to repeat the cycle. I was a young girl. I didn't want to have abortions. I didn't want to have another abortion after the one I had. But what did I do? I kept having unprotected sex. You know what mean? So when you keep doing the same things, don't expect the different

ACWGNS Podcast (47:31.0)
result that's insanity. Will you come to the Lord? Will you come to Jesus Christ? Not only do you understand what you did,

But you don't want to repeat the cycles. Why? Because you know it's breaking your father's heart every time that you're doing something against his will. Every time you're doing something that is not of him, that is something of the devil, that is something of the world. When you're doing things that makes him cry, that makes him sorrow, to understand that this man died for you. He died on a cross. He shed his blood, his tears. He begged for the cup to be taken away from him and it still wasn't and he still died and he knew.

He knew a lot of us and he still loved he still loved Judas He said it to Peter when you return to me meaning I know you're gonna fool I know you're go against me, but I still love you I still love you in the garden when Adam ate even bit the apple and then went to hide from the Lord He didn't he didn't stand there wait for them to come. He looked for them. He went after them

So in all of your iniquities, all of your rebellion, in all of your sin, the Lord is still going to come after you because He loves you. And the only thing we keep doing is we run away from Him out of shame and out of guilt. So we reject His love because we tell ourselves we do not deserve it. And that's not because of the Lord. That's because of our own human experiences, because people retract their love on anything. On anything. I spoke about this in previous podcast. Your parents retract their love from you when you was doing something

the bag. Go to your room. Get out of my face. I don't want to see you. I don't want to talk to you. Move.

ACWGNS Podcast (49:15.893)
So anytime you did something bad, it felt like love was being taken from you. That's what natural humans do. A female will retract her love from her man. A man will retract his love from his wife or his girlfriend, even if under suspicion, not even knowing. The Lord knew and he still was giving out his love. We'd be retracted off suspicion. I feel some type of way. So let me just back up. You feel like you're going to do something, I'm to just back up. I don't want to like.

So I get it, I understand, but we need to stop running away from the Lord and start running towards Him because He is the answer and He is the way. And He is freedom. I'm learning that now He is freedom. When you run towards Him and you submit yourself to Him and you are down at His feet, He is freedom.

He's a breath fresh of air on a high mountain where it's sharp and it hurts a little bit, but it's refreshing. That's what he feels like. That's what he feels like.

When you're walking up a mountain and you finally get to the top and you take that first breath fresh air and it's a little it hurts a little bit because you're filling up all this space in your lungs. So it hurts a little bit, but it feels so good. That's what the Lord does because it's gonna hurt. It's not it's it's not like I said in the beginning it was it's uncomfortable. But even in uncomfortability, you should want to go seek his hand. Seek his face even in the uncomfortability.

Sorry, that was my rant. I love you guys.

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That was my rant. I pray that this podcast sees you well. pray that anything that I said in this episode, I just pray that it touches your heart. I pray that it lands where it needs to land. But what I do want to do with finishing out, I'm not even going to be finishing out this forgiveness series because I feel like there's so much more to uncover in this forgiveness series. But one thing I would say is in order for you to truly, genuinely forgive others, you also have to forgive yourself.

And you have to forgive yourself for allowing their betrayal, but you also have to forgive yourself for allowing your own betrayal. You have to.

Because if you don't forgive yourself, you will not be able to experience the Lord's forgiveness. When the Lord speaks about forgiving others because you want others forgive you. So to me personally, when he speaks about forgiving your neighbor, I'm my own friend as well. Because in order for me to be a good friend, I need to be my own friend. So I look at myself as a neighbor as well. And if I can't forgive the neighbor within me, how can I forgive the neighbors

that are outside of me. How can I accept the Lord's forgiveness? And I feel like the more that you don't forgive yourself, you are hindering yourself. You are blocking yourself from truly feeling the Lord's salvation, for truly feeling His sacrifice for you. For truly, for, so like, and when I say dying in self, it's dying to the things. It's dying to those things. man.

I could, I could stay here all day, but I can't because I got a lot of things to do. So I pray that this episode really reached you. I pray that this conversation was good. And this guys is what a conversation looks like just having an open honest conversation. So what I would like you to do to continue the conversation after this one is to ask yourself Lord, help me forgive. If you are someone currently struggling when it comes to forgiveness of yourself, Lord help me forgive.

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And if that's not your case and you're right now struggling to forgive someone else, Father God, give me your strength to forgive. And if you're not in a forgiveness moment, but right now you are you are trying to figure out what are the ways and within you that you need to fix. Father God, give me the answer. What areas do I need to fix about me? Show me the mirror upon myself to see my blind spots. That's all I got. I have nothing else. That's all I got. I look like sleeping dog.

But guys, thank you so much for joining today's conversation. I cannot wait to see you in our next conversation. This is your girl, Lovasia Renee, and this is a conversation with God in self, and I'll see you next time. Bye.